Opinion: Is Local Fitness Instructor’s Marketing Slogan “If You Build It, They Will Cum” Offensive?
BY: Don B. Duennit
Grabbit had worked her ass off, and she was ready to make them cum.
Somewhere in Utah today, local 42-year-old MILF fitness instructor Jessica Grabbit is under fire for her cleverly enticing play on words to promote her trending asstastic fitness regime with the tagline, “If you build it, they will cum.”
A local celebrity already, Grabbit was prom queen both her junior and senior years of high school in 2001 and ‘02, respectfully. “The entire senior class insisted they give it to me,” Grabbit demures. “I was everyone’s favorite cheerleader.”
Sheila Pipkins, manager of one of the area’s several Dollar Generals notes, “Oh, she was a sweetheart. Everybody loved Jessica. I wish her the best. Wish I had that ass, too.”
Given the local fondness for Grabbit, this reporter took to the streets to find out what others had to say about Grabbit’s cheeky billboard.
It would seem it’s one little word that is causing the uproar in New Old Shamestown III. Upon noticing the spelling of Grabbit’s marketing, locals started to grow concerned. One mother who drives by the prominent billboard while taking her 8-year-old son to school each morning is quoted as saying, “He misused a word on his vocabulary test because of that woman. I was mortified. I had to explain to the teacher that’s not the kind of ‘come’ we are referring to when calling the dog.”
Meanwhile others are far less hot and bothered. A prominent area drag queen, Glory Pole, says, “I mean, isn’t that the point of having an ass like that? Don’t we want them to go da-doing-doing-doing? Or is it just me? Listen, sex sells, honey, and I ain’t got nothing but respect.”
Touche.
On social media, the commentary is even more divided and even harder to make sense of given the collective grade level in the community averages at about fourth. Insofar as we can tell, from what people are saying, there are many pearl clutchers who feel this is just an evolution of the recently-banned TikTokkers trying to make a cash grab and using sex to do it.
“If I wanted to see that, I’d subscribe to OnlyFans. Will someone not think of the children?” decried local pastor Timothy Maples and Facebook pundit whose wife Lydia ‘liked’ his comment and chimed in, “We don’t do Fans Only in this community.”
This comment was promptly followed by a commenter under the name Anonymous who said, “Oh hell yes we do. Haaaaaaay Timothy!” The comment included a kissy-face emoji. More to follow.
Another female respondent who asked that we not mention her name noted that, “I mean, if I looked like that, I’d do the same thing. Where do I sign up?”
Meanwhile, many of the male respondents, Timothy not withstanding, who chimed in seemed fairly nonplussed, most saying, “I mean, it’s just another exercise class right? She says endorphins make her happy, and I want her to make her happy. If she’s happy, I’m happy, right, so, I mean, don’t mind if my wife does it. I’m cool. It’s important to be supportive.”
When asked how she felt about the backlash, vibrant, bright-eyed Jessica with her sun kissed skin and smattering of freckles across her cheeks said, “It’s meant to be funny. People take things so seriously. But it’s also true—if you show up and do the work, you get the results. Most people just don’t want to admit that, so they tear you down instead of investing in themselves. This wasn’t given to me. I earned it by being a successful TikTok influencer and having surgical enhancements to prove if you put your mind to it, you can do anything!”
Truly an inspiration who is willing to do whatever it takes, Grabbit will be successful no matter what she does. With looks, tenacity, absolutely no integrity, and a shit-ton of money, the sky is the limit for Grabbit. It’s worth noting that this reporter’s curiosity was so aroused by how uplifted Grabbit’s platform was, that he purchased a monthly membership for his own wife who is seemingly never happy with her body. We will follow up and let everyone knows how it goes as well as the outcomes of this decry against a young, ambitious, size two entrepreneur. What an inspiration!
If you are interested, call 1-800-PCH-SQZE and ask about the Asstastic package options. For those who wish to register complaints, dial 1-800-KSM-YASS. Local fees may apply.