I wrote about my “mental health melee” experience back in April wherein I checked myself in for evaluation at USA following a nervous breakdown that’s the direct result of ongoing pestering from people online. My pattern recognition is so strong that I kept seeing what seemed like textbook identical behavior from people. My ultimate understanding was that I had to truly protect my energy—I had to draw all of my attention—energy and power—back into myself. So, I deleted my Facebook profile as a way to help myself. That’s when I started shaking apart. That and a few days earlier I’d ended a situationship with someone who—when we were together—embodied all of the qualities I was seeking in a partner. However, they treated me like an option…I wasn’t integrated into their life, and I deserve better than that. I know my value—really know it now, and walking away was taking my power back, but if I’m being honest…it felt like I was walking away from someone I was as well-matched with as I was with Sean, and that was hard, but it was the right thing to do for me.
For the first time, I feel, I was putting my own air mask on first and showing myself and the world the respect I deserved in a culture that centralizes men and devalues women. Holy. Hell. The breakdown was purely stress-induced. Women who are single are walking targets for people who lack boundaries and who are predatory. Traffickers go after women who seem single and isolated because it’s an easier way to get at their kids.
We all know that trafficking isn’t forced abduction. It’s often pretending to be helpful or useful to get to know someone to create closeness, intimacy, and familiarity, and then it’s predatory behavior that doesn’t respect boundaries. It’s passing someone around a network of individuals, and I know for free that’s what a lot of people were trying to do. Sorry, hellcats, hard pass. This human flamethrower is a protective mama bear, and I’ll rip your head off and shove it up your ass if you come after my family. As a warning.
I understood that the most important thing for me to do to protect myself was to decentralize men. Not letting someone new come into my life would mean that my kids couldn’t get to know some random dude nor could they be led away from me. My toxic former partner (the sociopathic abuser I fondly refer to as “the devil”) got close with my middle daughter because she’s like me and is AuDHD—boundaries do not come naturally to us, and we feel other people’s feelings deeply and genuinely care about them.
In 2025, she was hurt that the devil, her “best buddy” (that was part of his manipulation to get close to her) didn’t acknowledge her birthday. I asked him via a letter she wanted to send to him to please send her a letter in response as a kindness because she’s a child and doesn’t understand. Because the narcissistic maxim of this type of man is “if you’re not with me, you’re against me”, he suggested taking her out to eat. Because he’d threatened me and even said his domestic assault (charges pending) against me was deserved, I said, “Hard pass,” at which point he became menacing again. (They’re only “nice” when they think they’ll get their little way.)
In 2026, his bully of a sister even suggested I was somehow not a decent person for not letting that vile man near my kids. Um…he wasn’t a father figure when we were together, so why should I let him near them now, and given how his community has acted toward me following our breakup over two years ago, I know I’ve been right to increasingly raise my vibration while simultaneously distancing myself from people I don’t know and who act overly intimate or familiar toward me. He was actually proof to me that kids raised without a “dad” like that are better off, and as a direct result of him leaving, parenting became much easier. It became easier to focus on my work. All of it. Yes—the neediness for attenuation and entitlement was that bad. I never posted about it because I focus on the positives in my life, not the negatives. I can’t stand being around negativity—which is just complaining. Problem solving—let’s get to it…I am happy to talk about situations where my friends are being solution-oriented, and bet that I’ve spent the last seven years trying to self-improve, but bitching about the stuff that sucks with a defeatist attitude? That shit can stay in hell where it belongs.
I see how this all works now. I digress. So, it was a lot to deal with while actively recovering from my starring role as a lover girl—the kind of woman who wanted to love and be loved. It will drive you crazy, but eventually, you circle back and rise up to something empowered. That was me. I’ve been so far to the bottom of the rock I was beneath it when all of this started in 2019, and I clawed my way to the top of the mountain, and I’m staying put and focusing on further rising. I still have a ways to grow especially in my professional and creative life journey. I am blissed out to be here, TBH.
When I checked myself in at the ER, I was completely honest about my long history with mental health struggles including the handful of times I “wanted to die” (not literally) and struggled with suicidal ideation. Those were the direct results of overwhelm. In 2019, I didn’t want to nor did I know how to continue my life without Sean. I struggled with alcohol use disorder. I was sending Sean texts and then texting myself back from his phone. I said things like, I miss you, and I can’t do this anymore, and I don’t want to be here, and I’m fuck. Drunk. (I meant to say, “I’m drunk. Fuck.”) It was not pretty. That was in November of 2019. By the end of December, I couldn’t do it anymore. I was using alcohol to avoid the onslaught of big and little-t traumas that had emerged. I understood why one of my dearest childhood friends had ended her life in July of 2019, but I had my daughters, and I love them so much. They’d suffered enough, and I knew they thought I hung the moon even though I thought I ruined everything. I didn’t ask for help—I didn’t know how to, and I was in the company of people who I didn’t know and who I know now never had my interests at heart at all. I was a prop for their façade. I was feeling it without realizing it. I felt broken. I told the truth about all of this.
That was also the only time I’d tried an SSRI for any length of time—a month. I didn’t know this until I heard it in Liane Moriarty’s book 9 Perfect Strangers, but the first month on a psych med is the most precarious time for suicide—while your brain chemistry levels out. I would try another med—Wellbutrin, later, but I had neurological issues—nerve pain and complexities related to gynecological things that were listed as side effects. I was done with mental health meds because I also knew they altered brain chemistry and that getting off of them was sometimes as difficult as the thing you were taking them for in the first place. I chose to heal organically. I knew the road would be longer, but I wasn’t in active crisis, and so I worked with a holistic therapist and a CBT specialist and tried everything to heal. I reads consummately in the arenas of quit lit (quitting alcohol addiction), psychology, parenting and ADHD parenting, disordered eating, esteem, grief, and whatever else came available to me. I’d later read texts by Buddhists and spiritualists, and I’d practice meditation and use the tools my therapists provided me.
By April of 2026 when I had my nervous breakdown, I’d recovered from codependency, attachment wounds, abandonment issues, low self-esteem, insecurity, and so much more. Yes, I still have to do the work, but I’d completely transformed so much of myself. But that was definitely a schizoaffective episode that I had. I’m not schizophrenic, but repeated trauma exposure is causal in bipolar, borderline, and schizophrenia, but I’m not biologically hardwired for it, so I know how to do the work to reverse engineer from trauma.
Going to the ER and seeking help when I couldn’t stop trembling from overwhelm was the ticket for me. I deleted my Facebook account and app—your iPhone is the most hackable cell phone there is, and social media apps are the easiest way for people to hack your device, by the way. Physically, I was fine. But they still put me in the psych ward for observation.
Even though I told them about the only time I wrote a note and that being 30 days after I tried the first SSRI I’d been on, they refused to let me leave before giving me an injection for a psych med. I spent three days in the ward meditating with a little light stretching. I used conscious awareness to quiet my mind and assuage fears that I had. I didn’t want to take the med, but I used my mind to assure myself that I would only receive the parts of the med that were meant for me and good for me, and the rest would be discarded. I was always totally honest with the doctors. I insisted on seeing the medical fact sheet before I allowed them to medicate me. They were at least willing to work with me on that forefront and to allow me to get back into seeing my holistic therapist who I’d only stopped going to in the fall of 2025 because my insurance changed and she doesn’t take my insurance. Out of pocket, it’s $100 a session, but at that time I felt like I was in good shape mentally and emotionally. I had my tools and the toolkit, and I was really happy with where my life was.
Circling back to the crazy stuff only happened because in February of 2026, the man who reminded me so much of Sean when we were together suggested I write a book about it. I also ran into the man who ghosted me in 2024 who I had spent more time than I care to admit wondering about. It was like being sucked into a portal, if I’m being honest. I started to see things in the pattern lock into place giving me greater confidence that my understanding of what happened—something I wanted to know, was indeed the reality.
The sickness of cyberstalking is that it’s all behind screens and is anonymous. You can’t make them stop, and they don’t care about you as a person, so they treat you like fair game. They didn’t care that my husband died or I respect men. They only wanted to believe the version of events that a DL dude told them. But all of that speaks to their character—not mine. I knew though that how I responded wasn’t healthy either. I agree with the person I’d been kinda seeing that I couldn’t “talk to people that way” when I ultimately would lose my shit and react. I knew he was right.
Also, I was damn proud of myself for no longer reacting to my former partner’s attempts to rile me up and to respond instead. In 2025 when I agreed to talk to him on the phone when he was trying to take my daughter to dinner for her birthday and he started name-calling, I would just say things like, “We don’t call names,” because we’re adults. Grow up.
When I left the hospital, I felt tremendous calm—not because they’d started me on a med, and not necessarily because I was getting better sleep but because I’d seen the hard proof that all of the work I did paid off. Hell to the yeah.
I talked to my good friend Ben the other day for a catch up and recounted some of this. He’s been a wonderful source of wisdom and guidance in my journey, and he validated my experience, which I appreciate. He is on the side that values women and who doesn’t hold bitter resentments because of past negative experiences, and he doesn’t act entitled toward us. I appreciate that very much. We’ve been friends for almost 20 years at this point.
But I was talking to him about my choice to be natural. I choose to avoid mental health meds. I am unmedicated for anything. I told my mom that it seems to me the sickest people are the ones on the most medications. I know that I was right to want to resist the doctors’ decision to put me on an anti-psychotic because after it wore off—and I didn’t continue it—I started lactating. The timing was ironic because in May of 2020 when I was under so much stress from being in a highly toxic and emotionally abusive relationship while being increasingly isolated and coping with grief, I started lactating and had a very real breast cancer scare. I will be getting my exam this summer with a new doctor because the old practice closed, and thankfully there wasn’t anything concerning like blood in the milk I produced. But I felt the “let down”, which is weird, but as I’ve worked on de-stressing organically, I haven’t felt that sensation.
The point is that stress is the main reason that people get sick and end up on medications. Stress can be caused by a lot of things, but I find that the main cause is allowing my energy to be taken advantage of. It’s taken tremendous effort to learn healthy boundaries—even with healthy people. I’m still working toward only responding when I’m available and only to issues that are “for me”. Most of this is with men. My women friends never make demands on my time, and they ask if I can hold space when they do have issues they’re trying to troubleshoot. Men should learn from this—ask if someone has space for an issue. It’s okay to ask for help with burdens, but bringing up issues just to get attention is what’s been causal in creating loneliness.
That’s one reason why it was difficult to let go of the person I was in a situationship with—I had the most enthralling conversations with him. But as I learned—I couldn’t change our situation into the direction of a “real” relationship, and I wasn’t going to fall over myself chasing after one. A relationship is a meeting of mutuals. It’s not a challenge—no is a complete sentence.
I feel like the choice to remain unmedicated and to destress naturally has helped me set healthier energetic boundaries. I feel like the awareness that I am the master of my thoughts has helped me push this situation out of my mind and to put it on the back-burner. I will write about it one day, but right now, I’m in reboot and recovery mode…luckily, I know what to do.
These are the things I do:
Focus on what’s meaningful and that brings joy. For me—that’s writing and creativity and finding ways I can help others in whatever way that I can. My experiences are real, and I know I’m not the only one whose been through what I’ve been through, and I know I’m not the only one who has big and little-t traumas or AuDHD or the millennial experience. By engaging activities that bring joy, I redirect my focus to what’s healthy and positive.
Read self-help books. I started reading in the self-help arena again this year with Gwyneth Flack’s Limitless: Transform Your Life with Intuition and Creativity, which is a book for which I was the developmental editor. In 2024, that book emerged at just the right time in my career, and I used that wisdom and her meditations to continue to transform my life and to boost my courage and confidence with my own creativity.
Practicing daily gratitude in writing. Sitting down and writing my gratitude for what I have and what I wish to have has been a hugely productive practice. I’ve attracted safe and healthy people, abundance, health, and so many more things. In 2024, after my partner left, my house was a mess. I had more stuff than I needed and a ton to go through with regard to the storage unit and Sean’s things. In the fall, I was in hypervigilance and couldn’t focus to do anything. I was a mess—so was my house. But I kept giving gratitude for my “clean and beautiful home”. I knew I’d get there eventually. Today, I’m sitting in a living room that has nothing on the floor. My tables don’t have stuff on them, nor do my kitchen counters. My bedroom floor is clean, and all I need to do is put some laundry away when I’m finished writing. A manifesting gratitude practice is only effective if you take action. When you’re trapped in trauma, taking action is one of the hardest steps, which is why meditating and clearing trapped energy that’s not yours is so important.
Meditating daily is another way I’ve transformed my life. Even a minute of seated stillness has a profound impact on the trajectory of the entire day. Further, if I get overwhelmed, I know I can clear energy that isn’t mine—such as when people try to put things on my plate that aren’t for me and reset. I just ask my thoughts to please quiet down, and I pause in stillness and just listen without thinking.
If you’re not “good” at meditating, find some guided meditations. Tara Brach has free ones on her website. The Glo app is a paid app with meditation, mindfulness, and yoga. Gaia is another great app—it also has lessons and information, such as how to self-heal using quantum energy as described in Joe Dispenza’s Becoming Supernatural. I’m also a huge fan of Gabrielle Bernstein, and though I am dismayed he’s in the Esptein files, I know Deepak Chopra is being truthful in his books and meditation practices. (They believe that by doing virtuous things it compensates for the past or for denying the truth and taking accountability.) Pema Chodron is another spiritualist whose words of wisdom have been tremendously healing. I’m currently reading another one of her books. The fact that I have the focus to sit still with a book again makes me happy—I was able to do that in the summer of 2024, and I am finally in that healthy place again with so many things…like gardening. I have the motivation and drive to garden again (which remind me to water the plants today), and yesterday, I went and did some photography work. The work works.
Staying present also helps. Virtual reality is as real as physical reality, and we occupy both spaces. Learning how to stay in physical reality and not glued to a screen or enmeshed in the woes of the world at large nor fearing the future helps as well. I work on creating the reality I want to occupy, and that space is one of beauty, love, kindness, and compassion. It’s one that keeps those who are sadly going to fail this evolutionary cycle that we are in and be left behind.
The old reality is fading away, and I know that I can’t save everyone—all I can do is figure out how to put my own air mask on and help by sharing my experience with others. Normalizing these experiences and providing the tools that helped me make a difference.
Medication alone never would have gotten me to this point. It might have numbed or sedated me, but it wouldn’t have healed the trauma. It wouldn’t have released that stored energy and helped me understand and accept that the people who do bad things aren’t bad people—they’re just unhealed people, but nonetheless—they aren’t for me. If that hurts their feelings, well, that’s too bad because I’m the only one who will put myself first.
In an interview with Drew Barrymore I saw, the person speaking to her said to imagine that they give you this child, this person to take care of, and that’s your responsibility. The thing is….when we incarnate here, when we’re born, that’s exactly what does happen only we are that child. I’m the only one who knows myself as well as I do. I’m the only one who knows exactly what I need. I’m the only one who should get to say what is allowed to be done to me. I show the world what I am and am not available for with my attention. We have to start believing people when they tell us and show us who they are and when they tell us what they need. Not respecting that is abuse, and while you can’t control what others say and do to you, you can control the attention you give them. Draw your energy, your attention inward and understand yourself, so you can give yourself what you need and you can truly be the love you seek. Rx not required.
(Note that this is my experience—I am in no way saying that people who are on medication should stop taking them or do not need them, but I have chosen to be unmedicated, and this is my experience. It was not easy. I do not have your trauma. I have not lived in your shoes, so please know that this is not against medication. I am thankful for meds for helping many of my friends hang on when they needed help the most. I am thankful that we have these options. I strive to write about my experiences because my heartfelt hope is that we can make our way to a world that thrives in absence of needless suffering.
As Ben says—pain is inevitable, but suffering is optional. I know that from experience because the more I clung to my frustration that people knew what kind of abuse my former partner leveraged against me, they still did not have the courage to tell me directly nor help me pursue justice. That’s part of why I went nuts—that and all of the media coverage about crap like a damn rape academy and the cruelty of those listed in the Epstein files. I was giving it my attention and energy and trying to control things outside of myself, and that made me absolutely nuts. So, please know this isn’t against medication—it’s just my experience. Just like when I briefly took birth control and was an overwhelmingly emotional lunatic. I didn’t realize how it was negatively impacting me until I got off of it, and I’m glad I only took it briefly a couple of times in my early / mid-20s…apparently, they lied on Sex and the City—not having babies does not increase your risk of breast cancer. Birth control does. I am not on any kind of medication for anything at all other than I will occasionally take aspirin if I get a headache. And I am grateful that I can be that way. Really.
Trust me when I say that I believe you about you, and I believe that you know yourself better than anyone else. I always will, and I promise to respect that. I have experienced far too many times where someone else thinks they know better than I do about myself. I and I alone know what I need…just like you know you.)