It was the best of memes in the wake of the worst of times for those who were unequivocally certain that the rapture predicted in Biblical lore would not happen in September of 2025, though, absolutely no one who didn’t believe with a sort of fervent glee couldn’t be convinced of as much.
Many people were revealed to be commenting on Joshua Mhakela’s (the young pastor who predicted this much-anticipated global event ahead of what those remaining would be considering a sigh of relief given the reduction in bigotry world-wide—alas) TikTok feed in various rapturous (oh the irony) states of repentance and glee, “I can’t believe I’m going to see Jesus!” One contributor enthused.
Meanwhile, others were repenting. One man posted in rapid succession, “Forgive me for lusting. Forgive me for greed. Forgive me for envy,” and the list goes on neglecting to include “homophobia” and “misogyny” despite his previous declarations that people should have the right to live however they want. Of course.
With people quitting their jobs en masse because they presumably realized in the moment preceding their mortal end, they had not actually lived their lives but had instead swilled the sociocultural Kool-Aid perpetuating that value and meaning are solely external variables—like, sure it’s a Range Rover, Karen, but is it a Range Rover Evoke, and were trying to milk the most out of last-minute doomsday prep.
One woman, sure of her rapture, asked a non-believing neighbor if she could please watch her dog once she is raptured. The neighbor, taking comical offense, said, “Wait, are you saying that you don’t feel I’m worthy of being raptured?” To which the neighbor whose naughty Shih Tzu was clearly not qualified for the pearly gates (“Boy dogs that hump other boy dogs don’t get into heaven, little Donald.”) haughtily replied that when the neighbor in question woke up very much alive the following day to please unfollow her as she was being rude.
Meanwhile, onto the breaking story. Ted and Jenn Jenkins of River Ranch, LA, a luxurious community in Lafayette, are opting to cleanse their souls on record with this reporter ahead of the much-anticipated departure from Earth by confessing all of their marital sins to one another in the hopes that such a purge would ensure their passage into heaven and in hopes they will inspire sinners to do the same once they’re gone.
“We don’t talk much, but I said, ‘baby, I got some things to get off my chest ‘fore we gone be raptured’.” Ted then takes Jenn by the hand and leads her to their custom alligator skin couch.
“When Ted first suggested we do this,” Jenn adds, sitting down beside her husband “I said, okay. I was excited for Ted to talk to me since he don’t do much talkin’. He just comes home and drinks his case of Abita and watches Fox News after he gets off from his job in waste management. They make him work all over the place. Far as Texas some times! But I don’t push none too much. He always says he’s tired and don’t want to talk about it when he gets home, and he’s always got to do laundry on account of wrestling with human waste all day long. I swear, it’s impossible to get the rust stains out of his clothes sometimes. I’ll be fighting to do that, and he’ll say, ‘Awe hell, Jenn, just burn ‘em, so that’s what I do.’”
“Anyway,” Ted interjects, “I thought we should clear the air if this was it, so I said, ‘Jenn, I want us to confess our marital sins to each other because I want to be sure I’m going to heaven with you’.”
“Awe, that’s sweet,” Jenn says, smiling at her husband.
“So, I have to admit, I had an affair.”
Jenn blinks. “I mean, you travel a lot—I kind of figured that might be something you’d say.”
Ted rubs his hands on his jeans. “It was with a Democrat.”
“What?” Jenn shouts, her hand flying to her face revealing leopard print press-on nails before spatting acidly, “You know, I expected the usual kind of husbandly mistakes—maybe you got overly close with your dental hygienist, maybe you embezzled a little or cheated on our taxes, maybe you secretly wanted to go vegan, but I certainly wasn’t prepared to find out that you’d had an affair with a Democrat.”
Ted rolls his eyes, “It was one time.”
“One time is more than enough,” Jenn explodes. “What a betrayal! How did you even meet?”
“I was bein’ a little curious, and I found her out there on OnlyFeet.”
“What the Hell, Ted? One time for how long?”
“You know I can’t remember dates and stuff. Can’t even remember the kids’ birthdays, you know that, but this is getting technical. Confession ain’t about hashing details. But I have something else.” Ted sighs. “Technically she’s a he,” Ted interjects.
“You know, I could handle it when you told me what ‘working in waste management’ really meant because at least there’s some integrity in that—you’re doing what you have to to provide for your family, but this crosses the line.”
“At least I couldn’t knock Gabrielle up,” Ted says, grinning at this halo of a loophole.
“Oh, my God. And to think that all I did was stay home like the stupid little wife, watching little Deuteronomy and Leviticus while you were out there—wait, were you the letter or the mailbox?”
“I thought I said we’re not here to parse the details.”
“But here I am spending all of that dirty money making taxidermy furniture and filling our bunker with rations for the end of days and donating to Turning Point like a proper Christian, judging my neighbors for their sins and not being even remotely introspective, and you were out there living it up with Gabrielle. All your preaching about monogamy and the sanctity of marriage. I mean, I could’ve had another affair, too, Ted!”
“With who?” Then, “What do you mean ‘another’?”
“Remy Boudreaux!” Jenn shouts without missing a beat.
“Your high school boyfriend?”
Jenn nods vehemently, arms wrapped around her in a vice.
“I done forgot about him. Well, Hell, Jenn. I got another confession.”
If looks could kill, Ted would be raptured right then and there.
“What?” Jenn says, her voice deepening, which to any man with a modicum of common sense, should produce the same adrenaline as a snake rattle.
“Well, I thought you were pretty—you had that ass and in that cheerleading skirt, mmm,” Ted smiles.
“Go on.”
“And don’t get mad,” which is usually what a man says before he disappears without a trace into the bayou, as it’s widely understood, “but I told him you’d been cheatin’ on him with me, and then when he broke up with you, I asked you out.”
Jenn leaps off the couch. “You what!? Ted, you bleached asshole. Remy was the love of my life. I settled for you. He never even told me why he dumped me.”
“Baby, I’m sorry, but don’t you want a man willing to fight dirty for you?”
“I’ll fight you dirty,” Jenn shrieks before launching herself at Ted and wrapping her pointy little leopard paws around Ted’s throat.
“I confessed!” Ted gargles. “Baby, I told the whole truth. I’m cleansed! I see the light. I confessed my sins. I’m coming home, Deddy. I sinned out of love.”
Sobbing, Jenn releases Ted. “Sinned out of love for yourself, maybe. But fine. I’m not perfect. It’s my turn to confess, I suppose.”
Ted coughs and swigs his Abita Amber from the taxidermic pelican end table. When he notices me looking at the table in obvious horror, he says, “We love nature.”
“Phew, my turn. So, about the kids—Deuteronomy and Leviticus probably aren’t yours.”
“Come again?” Ted says looking sideways at his wife, his beer sweating between his thick hands and splayed knees.
“You were gone a lot with your job in “waste management”,” Jenn says using air quotes, “and I was lonely. And I’d reconnected with Remy on Facebook long time ago, and like I said, he was the love of my life, but you know, us being good Catholics and all, we can’t get divorced, but the heart wants what it wants, Ted”
“Jenn, how could you betray me?”
“Ain’t no worse than what you did.”
“You let me believe a lie.”
“So did you.”
“Sp’ose we’re equal then?”
“Sp’ose so.”
“You ready to be raptured?”
“Definitely.”
“Wanna tell the kids bye first?”
“Nah. I left some snacks out for the little devils and a note. They’ll figure it out.”
“Think they’ll be okay? What if they get orphaned out to a Libtard?”
“It’s in God’s hands now,” Jenn decides piously.
And on that the couple goes to their luxury walk-in shower with the heron rainfall feature and gets ready for bed, ready to be raptured.
This morning, it was revealed that upon not being raptured, the couple has decided to abandon all religious faith and live the lives they truly want to live. Ted has contacted Gabrielle to reinstate their affair while Jenn has contacted Remy to tell him that he’s a daddy—and to tell him that he still gives her daddy.
And they all lived happily ever after.
The end.
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