It can be so easy to go along with the programming that we don’t even realize we’ve never asked ourselves—honestly—what we want.
That dawning has been coming in hot for the last couple of years and as recently as within the past weeks as I’ve become increasingly aware of just how much I used to centralize men. It was part of everything in my mind and my design. Like…there was always a man, and in the absence of having a man, there was always some kind of focus on finding one, on being chosen.
Which was a direct contrast with everything my body felt about the idea of another partner, which was panic and run. I could only let myself get so close. Distance. Distance was good. Lots of distance. The idea of another person living in my house again—even in the distant, distant future—still gives me claustrophobia. The idea of being under a microscope again, of constantly being watched, legitimately unbalances me. I spent 22 years walking on eggshells, and then another 4.5. I ain’t going back.
It was just such a contrast to married life. With Sean, I could happily coexist without feeling like I was being monitored or whatever. I know real relationships aren’t like that, but I had to really ask…why? What’s the point of a relationship?
Deep and meaningful connection and sharing a life…okay, that’s nice. But it’s not a cure for loneliness—I know that from the last long relationship I was in (the one after Sean…you know, the bad one). It doesn’t guarantee happiness or fulfillment…if anything the last one I was in turned me into a snarky cat who was loathe to take chances…and it was hard enough for me to get comfortable doing that when I was happily married. It also made me just a little bit crazy because repeated exposure to trauma will have that kind of effect on a person. Relationships don’t guarantee safety, and right now, I am—above all things safe.
I am safer alone than in a relationship because of the potential emotional trauma that comes from being with a potentially unhealed person. And allow me to say I have yet to meet someone healed…I have yet it meet someone who has done the same work that I’ve done (or their own version of it) to be qualified for what I’d call “safe”…and by that I mean grounded, responsive, and communicative in a healthy way.
All of the things that I thought I required when I was with the person I was with before are far less valuable to me than safety. Would it be nice to meet someone who also had a passion for the same creative things that I did…or who at least was a reader…of course it would, and if it happens, cool, but I don’t need to share as much as I used to. I am hopeful that this is a sign that I’m evolving and maturing, that I’ve healed in ways that I needed to.
Because the reality is that I’m really happy right now, and I’m also happy to make my career my focus, which is what I’ve been trying to do since I escaped (deep voice) the devil in 2024. Except I was still in my way. Edit…my conditioning was still in the way.
That’s the deep-rooted conditioning that compels an otherwise intelligent and completely whole woman to gleefully devote her free time and effort to finding a man. That element of patriarchal conditioning has held more women back in the history of humanity than anything in my humble opinion. Like we don’t need to procreate that much you guys.
I will say that sex is definitely a perk, and I know for free that I feel infinitely better after a really good energetic exchange (that’s all sex is), but I also know that it can feel downright violating after one that sucks. (This is why you shouldn’t drink too much…you end up doing stupid stuff that future self just facepalms over.)
But sex is never just the motivation because eventually…it gets boring. Even in my last situationship with B…I was getting bored. Like, it was fun and it felt good and it was great, but what else was there? We didn’t have anything substantial because I wasn’t incorporated into his life. And while we had great conversations, we weren’t an integrated couple, so it was like…yeah, we had physical chemistry that was so good it was practically illegal, but it wasn’t a relationship, and I had to come to terms with the reality that I want real. Yep. Still out here wanting something real in a simulated society. Maybe the devil was right—maybe I am crazy.
But I also had to come to realize it wasn’t a priority. In a world where normal is determined by what the majority is doing, it can be really difficult to discern what you want authentically for yourself.
I want they very unpopular and boring ass thing of a relationship that is deeply authentic, well-connected, committed, and fulfilling. Why does that sound insane? Because people say that’s what they want, but they really want to use relationships to escape their discomfort of being tied down and of being alone. They want to have connection without strings attached. They’re restless. They suffer FOMO like it’s an actual disease because they want to have commitment and reliability, but they also want to keep their options open.
Oh, I know all about the options open thing. That’s insecurity. That’s not being grounded within yourself because if all you can do is keep at least one sliver of the door open for someone else, you’ll never be fully content with your own choice, and your choice, your partner, will know.
I knew with B because I think one time he mentioned his trivia game and invited me, and then after that, it was like…that was “his” thing, and he never invited me again, and I’m not the kind of weirdo who is just going to show up. I’ve had that happen to me, and it’s not comfortable, and while I’m not, most people are too polite to tell a person “I’d rather you not”. And speaking of discomfort…I’d rather people be honest.
Like fuck subtext. “Hey, I think you’re really hot, and I love, love, love f—king your brains out, but I also just want to keep this super casual, but seriously, mad respect.”
I mean, that was pretty much the situation with B. I just realized it wasn’t what I wanted, and our connection otherwise was so close to it that I was like, “Yeah, I can’t keep being casual with you.” I can’t think of a higher complement. Albeit, I also think that there was some cult shit involved, but I think that’s true with most of you because the more I look around the room, I’m like, was I the only one not raised in a super niche cult? Like, has everyone been out there culting without me? Apparently.
And why are so many of them sex cults? Like you guys are not okay.
I digress.
So, my motivation isn’t on love and relationships right now. I’m just pretty content on my own. But what else have I been outsources to the idiot masses as being prescriptively normal?
Glad you asked! (Listen, I know you didn’t, but I couldn’t care less…this is my writing, and I’ll type like no one is watching if I want to. And I will.) I opened up my Instagram and was somehow on my Amysdwrites profile, the one I created back when I was trying 50 shades of personal branding and liking none of it, but a really genuine post from Christina Galbatto was up there, and I like her. In 2021 the influencer / marketing guru posted that she’d gotten sober. I was compelled by her well-crafted content, and I even bought some of her courses on how to do TikTok (obviously, I never did the course) and on blogging (I already knew what I needed to know…the only thing I did that I regret was leave Squarespace for SiteGround, and like I’m sure it’s fine, but my brain shuts down around that kind of thing) and on maybe one other thing. Basically, I just liked her. And yes…I envied the fuck out of her lifestyle.
Actually, let me edit—I envied the picture-perfect finished product of her lifestyle. I envied the way she could put together a reel on Instagram and it look great. I envied that she probably wasn’t beating herself up over what a waste of time it was to dedicate time to making that flawless Instagram video. I also envied her $300K monthly income and her frustrating lifestyle.
But today I read that she had what I have—the “awakening”…the realization of a divine purpose that puts all of that superficial shit I once envied to bed. Like me, she had a total breakdown around the end of 2024 and 2025 was a super WTF year for her. She ended up letting go of most of her 15-person team and made major changes to align with God’s purpose for her life. Respectfully, the fact that this shift is happening to all of us speaks volumes. Lean into the crevasse, Lemon.
But I realized (I start a lot of sentences with ‘but’ because f—k yeah I do. Fuck you, rules. And consistency. I digress.) I wouldn’t want her lifestyle. The idea of running a 15-person team or even having to communicate with 15 people on a given day fills my blood with ice chips. Like, hell no. I do not want to be in charge of anything.
I know what I want to do, and I’m working on it…between panic attacks and procrastination and cleaning the house enough to be (as Tara Schuster recommends) Guest Ready™ at a moment’s notice! It’s almost there. My main living quarters (lawl) are definitely guest ready, and thanks to B, other than the tripping hazard of a wooden swing I have yet to determine a fate for, my deck is also Guest Ready™!
I think the point is that we have to know what we want…who are we and what are we looking for…and I think we have to recognize when we have it. I get so used to striving, to never being there, for life to be a consummate dance class where a plateau if just an invitation or raise higher, that I forget to pause in moments like these and to appreciate that I’m right where I wanted to be. Like…I did it.
I did the thing I set out to do in 2024. I wanted to do soul work. I did. And I am consistently accomplishing my goals. I wanted to be content on my own. I am. I really am. I wanted to focus on my career, and I am. So…it’s not what other people’s happily ever after looks like, but I’m not looking for the ever after…I’m looking into the moment, and in this moment…I’m really happy. Because I finally dialed into what I knew I needed and to what I wanted, and I went out and I made it happen.
Which also informs me that if I ever do want a 15-person team (Jesus, God, no) or a $300K monthly income (Hails Mary, yes.), then all I need to do is decide how that will look, what I need to do, and then start walking.
(Spoiler…I want to make it just by writing alone. Oh, and don’t hold your breath…it might take some time, but I’ll get there. I always do.)
So, to the masses, I must look pretty pathetic and lonely…sympathetic even. But the reality is that I curated this. I cultivated it. I looked at each facet of my life through the lens of “but what do I want” and I made it happen.
So, if you want a freak show orgy and a $500K monthly budget on a ranch in Colorado, you can have it. The formula is simple—get “you specific” on your goals and dreams, and then take the time to figure out what steps you’d have to take to get there.
I remember doing this with first boyfriend. First boyfriend wanted to work for Cartoon Network. I created an entire five-year plan for him. However, while first boyfriend did rebel against his pleated-khaki-pants, high-white-socks-wearing, Sears-loving dad and choose graphic design for his major, our breakup merited him defaulting to factory settings and losing all of that chutzpah I was bringing in hot.
So, it’s doable. If you’re not happy—man or woman—with your life, then chances are…it’s because you were never a factor in checking off boxes of achievement, and you need to be at the center of what you’re creating. Like, if the patriarchy is an oppressive father, then you just need to start channeling your oldest daughter energy into the situation. It works, and to realize that I can just sit at the table I made for myself is quite fucking nice.