Author * Mom * Introvert
(pairs well with Wine)
In a matter of weeks, it will be seven years since Sean died. I, too, wanted to die. Not right away. I could intellectually accept the reality that he didn’t survive the cancer he battled so hard, but I couldn’t process it.
Grief trauma doesn’t always hit you like a ton of bricks. It did when we lost Jude, but with Sean, it matriculated in, like an IV drip of aching and longing and overwhelm and of separation with the self that I was when Sean was still alive.
Read moreLook at the movies we grew up on—and the music? The soundtrack of our lives was all about blind devotion (looking at you, Whitney “I am nothing without you” Houston). Romantic comedies that all ended with the girl being chosen by the guy proliferated. Before that? Disney poisoning. The Little Mermaid is literally a movie that prioritizes a young woman giving up her voice, her power, for a dude she meets once and then using her body language (image) to persuade him to choose her (pick me!), which he does. Then, as if she’s property, gets to be with him because her dad gives her his blessing and essentially gives her away. Literally, what the f—k.
Read moreI’m calling it energetic celibacy, which is where I fully protect my energy by only giving it to energetic soul connections that are fully respectful of it. The reality is that I am open to a partner again, but clearly that’s not happening on this timeline. I know this is a season for fully choosing myself, writing, and focusing on my kids. I know that by keeping my head down and concentrating exclusively on that, I’ll be able to keep raising my frequency and will one day meet or reconnect with someone (anyone but ugh obviously) who is really willing to invest in me as much as I am with him.
Read moreSo, that’s where I am. That’s who I am. I’m just a person who is always trying to do better and to level up in the game of life. I assume, perhaps mistakenly, that other people are trying to do the same. And otherwise I’m just meeting people where they are and wishing the best for them.
Read moreI had to burn down a bajillion times. The patriarchy only has to burn once. But one day, we will all be free of this conditioned nonsense. But that starts with going inward and decentralizing the external. When I walked away from one of the best things that’s ever happened to me, I saved myself, and I took back my power, and guys…I rather like it. I think I’m going to keep it.
Read moreAnd that’s true. No matter what happens, when you left, you were my husband. I became a widow. Not a divorcee, not a single woman. A widow, and like you said, and as I’m sure you’d expect, not a conventional widow. Like you said in your letter…a Ms. Scarlett, the widow who wears black and dances with a blockade runner at the charity auction, the kind of woman who digs in the dirt to plant seeds so she can rise again, the consummate survivor.
Read moreIn a world where normal is determined by what the majority is doing, it can be really difficult to discern what you want authentically for yourself.
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