Yesterday, a friend of mine had a crash-out similar to the one I had in April when I had a bonafide nervous breakdown where I just started shaking uncontrollably. I’d been in a situationship with a legitimately wonderful person when we were together. At first—that was fine. I was still in recovery from an abusive relationship with a man we will (for legal purposes) refer to as ugh. I’ve written about the litany of objectification, control, invalidation, manipulation, gaslighting, and abuse I endured in that relationship. Yesterday I wrote about why we don’t just leave. Part of it is because unhealthy, insecure, dismissive avoidant, entitled, etc. partners give just enough hope that you stay.
The other reason we stay is that our culture conditions women to do all of the heavy lifting in relationships. Many of us were raised by fathers who were emotionally avoidant meaning that to get any kind of connection we did the work, which only exacerbates the sociocultural conditioning. Girls don’t mature faster than boys—we are made to. Many girls are made to stop running around like children in their tweens and are pressured to take on household roles—to focus on beauty, to be presentable, attractive, and ladylike. Meanwhile—the rhetoric is that boys will be boys, but in reality, boys absolutely need to stop being boys as a part of maturation during their teenage years. Even if girls naturally mature faster, we need equality in how we socialize and mature. This is not to say that boys aren’t given responsibilities, but there needs to be equality in how we are expected to treat one another and show up for one another. We need authentic connection, and boys need to be conditioned to express their feminine emotions rather than burying them. I do have a lot of empathy for how boys and young men are pressured to “be manly” and not show “weakness”. Vulnerability is not weakness—it’s actually a massive strength.
But I digress—the reality is what women are conditioned to be fixers and do the labor of compensating for an emotionally unavailable partner—and no, it’s not all women nor is it all men, but it’s enough. I certainly fell into that category, and I had to decondition myself from being codependent and anxiously attached in a relationship with an avoidant man who wasn’t willing to do the work to be comfortable with commitment and connection.
When I was with ugh I stayed because rather than focusing on myself in a healthy way, something that was also modeled—put everyone else’s needs ahead of mine and take up less space by not asking for my needs to get met because that’s “selfish” (according to people who can’t give that to themselves). I was miserable with ugh because I was constantly looking to him for connection, and because he couldn’t have cared less about my own feelings or needs because he’s all façade, that was never going to be possible unless he endeavored to internalize and do the work he needed to do. I understood why he was the way he was, so I kept trying to connect. It was basically like trying to plug into a wall with no outlet. Epic failure was inevitable.
Shifting my focus to me
In the final months of our relationship, I’d gotten far enough into the work, taken accountability for myself, and done enough healing so that when I came to the awareness that I was enabling his behavior by blaming other variables for his accountability, I realized I was pouring into the wrong cup. I started to pour the love and attention I’d been wasting on his perpetually empty cup into myself. From an energetic perspective, he was siphoning off of me—he was getting my energy (attention) but returning none of it. What’s more—he felt entitled to it, and I felt conditionally required to give it.
But that was the shift—or rather the beginning of the shift. I still would feel obligated to respond to DMs and messages from people when they reached out online. I was no longer focusing on how other people made me feel—I could make myself feel good because by the end of the year ugh and I broke up, I’d already dispensed with codependency and attachments on the heels of being ghosted by a man I briefly dated in the summer of 2024. In so many ways, that was a godsend. (By the way—if you’re predisposed to ghosting, just send a courtesy “I’m sorry…I can’t do this text”. You don’t have to explain yourself…you don’t need a two-weeks notice…but a courtesy text would be nice. You can even throw in a “it’s not you, it’s me” because a lot of people will think they did something wrong, which is rarely the case…and thankfully, I didn’t make that situation about me…I just felt compassion for someone I’d really liked who wasn’t in the place within themselves at the time for a relationship.)
Consequently, that’s where I was in April of 2025 when I met Mr. Situationship. He was a lot younger but incredibly mature for his age, and we vibed well. He’d be around a bit and then pop up here and there. It wasn’t consistent, but I was doing my thing, and it was fine. As I said—I was still in recovery from ugh and the subsequent group stalking that transpired when that relationship ended (fucking ugh), but in the winter and early spring of 2026, Mr. Situationship and I were spending more time together, and our emotional intimacy was real. We had the best conversations—we could deep dive into any topic, swerve into absurd humor, and then tumble into moments of passion. I loved him unconditionally and always will—our age difference merited that “there was no future” per Mr. Situationship, and I was starting to catch feelings, so I actually ended it.
It sucked. I hurt my own feelings. But I couldn’t reconcile within myself the contrast of it feeling like I’d found my person with there being no future nor with the reality that he wasn’t integrating me into his life. He had his own friends and social routines, and that was fine, but I felt optional.
So, I ended it. I cried. And then, too, I noticed the patterns—how every guy out there right now—or so it seems—to want to have their cake and eat it, too. They’re all chatting up multiple people, keeping options open, having fun without the pressure of a commitment. While it’s one thing to take it slow, the reality is that despite Mr. Situationship’s and my communication, we weren’t talking about what we wanted or where we were going. It was like a road trip without a map.
There was a little bit of future planning—drive across the country, beach day, and dammit, get your passport, bro, this mama likes to travel. I do miss our discourse because it was that good (so were other things), but I knew that eventually one of the wheels on our ride the was going to fall off. At some point, he’d meet someone else who he could be with for life if such a commitment was something he wanted (he wanted kids, so I just assume), and I would be five years older and hurt. He honestly reminded me of Sean in how we related, and that’s not a love I could let walk away without feeling devastated. Because I considered—even if we had a relationship and spent five or even ten years dating only to have them jump off and say, “Well, I’m ready to reproduce, so it’s over.” And again—it wasn’t a relationship, and if I’m going to fall in love for real, it’s going to be with someone I’m in a relationship with.
I will also admit that I was self-abandoning. Because we saw each other so infrequently, if he was available, I would stop what I was doing to also be available, and that, too, wasn’t healthy of me. It was giving away my power, and in a truly healthy relationship, you don’t self-abandon to be available. He didn’t ask me to—he didn’t even realize that, but the reality is that because we lacked balance in terms of how we connected.
The other thing I realized was that I was actually the one driving the bus (women, we are always the ones driving the bus—we set the standard). I was making myself available for a situationship without setting standards for accessing me in a romantic way, which for me is in a proper relationship—one where we communicate and we integrate healthily into each other’s lives as the relationship evolves. Thus, when he once again confirmed the age gap was too significant and that we had no future, the realization dawned that I was disrespecting myself by not acting in alignment with my values, and I made the decision to downgrade us to a friendship, though, I was unsure of how that would look because the chemistry between us was real. The outcome has been that we acknowledged love and respect for one another, but we ultimately haven’t continued to stay in touch.
Lover girl to goddess woman vibes
At the same time all of this transpired, I was just starting to read The Alphabet Versus the Goddess by Leonard Shlain while replaying the words of the Michelin Star Chef I’d hooked up with in Italy a year prior. He called me a goddess (bless him). He said women should be respected—men should provide for them while respecting that they have their own finances and financial freedom. He extolled the intelligence of women, and we had wonderful conversations on my 42nd birthday about Ezra Pound and art and fascism and so many other interesting things—in spite of the language barrier. He made me feel valued and wanted me to stay in Italy (if I didn’t have children, I absolutely would have because even if it didn’t work out, what a freaking story!). European and Latin men are lovers, and they’re passionate. They’re not afraid of vulnerability or saying “I love you”, which the chef did say often between multiple tender Italian terms of affectation. Glamorous.
Was I being shown goddess treatment? Did I feel revered and cherished and chosen by Mr. Situationship? He did make me feel valued—extremely valued when we were together but still like an option he was entertaining when it was convenient. I’m no pick-me. I wasn’t just wanting to be chosen by anyone. But the person I was willing to choose to be committed wasn’t reciprocating. I have no idea if he was talking to other women, but the friend I talked to yesterday just ended her situationship because he confessed he’d been chatting up someone else—who at the same time as my friend dipped on the dude who didn’t want to commit. She was hurt, but she walked away with her dignity in-tact, willing to choose herself over capitulating to someone who was clearly not respecting her the way all people deserve to be respected.
In my research, I’ve come to understand that people who are avoidant struggle with real emotional intimacy. There’s a lot about my Mr. Situationship that I don’t know even we talked on and off for about a year, but we didn’t spend enough time together to really get into certain things nor did we ever have a conversation about what we were seeking from one another. I’m not saying he’s that way, but like many men including my ghosting guy, he had been in hurtful relationships and burned by people he had committed to. I know that deep down—even if they don’t show it, men are very sensitive and very prone to carrying wounds and proceeding with hesitation. But likewise—a woman’s heart is a very tender thing as well, and we all know that Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned (fucking ugh).
So, here’s the reality—we’ve all been hurt. I’ve been with an abuser. I’ve been broken up with harshly. I’ve been hurt, too. I’ve had people who I thought really loved me treat me as optional, and I’ve chased in the past. I chased second boyfriend and even let him have a second shot when I broke up with him because I was just so tired of a relationship that was a diet version of my relationship with ugh in terms of emotional disconnect (second boyfriend was never abusive—just avoidant). It ended poorly, and I was broken-hearted because I thought by his wanting a second chance, he was really going to step it up. Negative.
The other thing my research has yielded is that pre-patriarchy per Shlain’s research of how the creation of the alphabet contributed to the rise of the patriarchy, which dismisses feminine values like imagery, femininity, and emotions, is that in the times where women were revered as sacred beings and givers of life—like in Cleopatra’s era, women could dress in manners that celebrated the feminine form. Men protected these women. Property was owned by women, and the lineage was tracked through the female. This was also the case in Native American civilizations—women ran the homes and thus owned the homes. If a man disrespected the woman or was abusive, he was cast out.
The shift in ancient times was seemingly associated with man’s fear of death. Women serve as the bridge between life and death—past and future—in their ability to create life. When men realized they played a role in the miracle of reproduction, they wanted to ensure that the product of reproduction was theirs and began to require marital commitment and fidelity in women. All of that is fine, but increasingly objectification transpired in the form of it becoming a property exchange between families. I’m paraphrasing because there’s a lot that goes into this history, but suffice to say, eventually, women came to be seen as property rather than as divine beings in their own right.
Further exacerbating the disconnect from the feminine was that women who previously had the right to perform religious ceremonies were banned from doing so upon the establishment of the patriarchal system in bourgeoning Western cultures. Rather than being revered as sacred and being protected, men became less disciplined and more lustful toward women. Objectification and dehumanization that came with the dismissal of reverence for the divine feminine contributed to men having less self control and being more willing to desire women for self-serving needs that didn’t prioritize the needs of women.
I’m going to jump ahead to present time and say that I feel we have reached a tipping point wherein the patriarchy is being flipped in real time, and this is how we participate in that—we raise our standards.
A friend on Facebook posted that quote about gouging one’s eyes out if they’re lustful, and indeed—what that is about is self discipline. Because we have permitted boys to be boys, men have not grown to see women as fully-evolved beings. Part of this is likely due to what they’re modeled at home but also in culture. Our media does little to amend this situation—if anything, it exacerbates it.
Even religious texts are constructs of the patriarchy. Christianity wrote out women in the Bible. Mary Magdalene was indeed a very valuable part of that text. She was the 13th disciple, which is consistent with the energetic and spiritual rhythms of nature. Originally, to align with moon cycles and the feminine reproductive menstrual cycles, there were 13 months comprised of 28-day cycles with one extra day of reset. The patriarchy adopted the Gregorian calendar, which creates an energetic disconnect with spirituality. However, many are waking up and are embracing our deep and necessary connection with nature. The fall of the patriarchy is inevitable. Like Christianity, it endeavors to govern through fear and oppression, but if we pay no attention to it and focus on genuine love, spiritual connection, and gratitude, it will eventually choke itself out.
Those who uphold it, who continue to lust and objectify other humans will evolve out of the species. Given the rampant abuse of children under the patriarchal system, this is a very, very good thing.
We all have a balance of divine feminine and masculine within us. We are born as souls—our souls are genderless—we are born in a male or female body, but the duality must be balanced within us, which is why I am so drawn to men who openly embrace their divine feminine. I used to buy flowers for my husband. I was the one who grilled. But he was the one who fixed cars. I was the one who cooked dinner. These are just tasks we all should learn how to do—not gender roles, which is an absurd concept.
When we restore balance within ourselves, we restore it in society. But this means genuine reverence and respect. This means having the courage to choose. This means self-discipline and controlling one’s desires as it pertains to the other gender. This also means self-sufficiency.
A case for self-reliance
In my healing journey, I have become increasingly self-reliant and conservative with my energy. I do not give my attention to just anyone, nor do I give my affections to just anyone. I respect and value myself, which is why I chose to walk way from someone I was very much falling in love with. It wasn’t in alignment with divine balance. I know he will find someone wonderful for him (I actually met someone I suggested he meet when I was at San Lorenzo in New Orleans—she was the right age, and she was actually the one who introduced me to The Alphabet Versus the Goddess (I know a spiritual assignment when I get one.)). If that seems absurd then consider that when you love unconditionally, you love without being selfish. I didn’t walk away because I felt he was disrespecting me—I did so because I was disrespecting myself.
But the breakdown at realizing just how broken the patriarchal system is in particular with regard to the way it disrespects men and women, we, too, break down. My nervous breakdown was inevitable. The pressure of being group and cyberstalked for two years, with regard to being jerked around by entitled predators who believe they have a right to my attention (energy), and who clearly practice energetic vampirism was excessive, and it’s something nobody should endure.
After I came out of the hospital from my breakdown, I realized that attention is energy. Energy is power, and I drew mine back into me, and I have stood on business ever since. I realize it’s only been a couple of months, but transformation can be instantaneous. To be sure, it was in my case.
I hold all of the power in my life. I decide who has access and who does not. We have to protect our energies and be sure of who we are and what we want. We have to respect ourselves to inform what we will and will not accept. We have to believe people when they speak up, and we have to respect a person’s right to not give away their energy. We have to become self-sufficient and independent, so when we do match with a partner, we are interdependent, not codependent, so that we can function on our own, manage our own conflicts, and support one another. I am no longer in pursuit or search of a partner because I’m capable of giving my attention to myself in a healthy way. I can ask for help when I need it, but I otherwise manage my own affairs with ease.
We are social beings. We do need connection, but to be able to connect with one another, we have to connect with ourselves first. When I started doing that in the winter of 2024, I took the first steps toward leaving a situation that conforms to patriarchal entitlement and objectification of women and children wherein men perform for other men rather than show up for their partners and their families, where emotional abuse and emotional abandonment are part of the control mechanism, I started to truly break down the constructs that bind us.
And mind—I know I’m speaking about men and women, but I am fully aware that a woman seeking status, wealth, and power is equally as objectifying and hurtful toward the divine feminine within a man. Most of the men I have loved have been hurt in such regard. This is why women need to be able to be providers for themselves—women should not look to a man as a meal-ticket. The patriarchy wants that kind of dependence as it keeps women trapped—that’s why groups like TPUSA are trying to deny women the right to vote and insist they capitulate to their husband’s beliefs—it’s why they try to make the sales pitch of “you wouldn’t have to work” sound so seductive, and it’s why they like younger women. They’re easier to manipulate and to trap in a marriage. That’s why the sociocultural rhetoric of my childhood depicted princesses whose happy ending always involved a man who arrived in their lives as a hero to rescue them. Cinderella’s prince saved her from her stepmother’s abuse. Sleeping Beauty was saved from Malificent’s curse. Ariel was rescued from Ursula and her curse. Modern fairy tales, thankfully, are not male-centric and do not show love as being the end all of all things.
The reality is that nobody is coming to save you and what’s more—you shouldn’t want it. As beings we are created to create and to commune with nature and one another. If you invest in what you’re passionate about, then work isn’t work—and if you learn how to manage your time—the most valuable currency there is—and abandon the materialism of capitalism and focus on what you need, if you abandon envy and desire and comparison, you realize that you genuinely have what you need and want for less. These are things I’ve done to create balance and to drive my focus on what I’m passionate about—writing. Storytelling. Helping others through sharing my experiences.
How do we get there? By seeking connection within ourselves. By working on ourselves and not outsourcing our attention to work on or focus on others, we stop shrinking ourselves to be chosen. Instead, we chose ourselves and walk away with love and blessings to that which is not choosing us.
I often told Mr. Situationship that he deserves the world, and he does. I just wasn’t meant to be his person in it, and as I told my friends, I could not have had a kinder soul help awaken me to this reality, and I know from the few letters we have exchanged in the dimming twilight of our situationship that our respect for one another is mutual, and I appreciate that. It gives me hope for the future of our world and our ability to learn to connect in a healthy and evolved way.