Exposition—my experience and emotional and psychological abuse within relationships
As a recap—my last long-term relationship was with a man who for legal purposes we will call ugh. After the initial love-bombing phase, ugh quickly became emotionally abusive leveraging walking out, shutting down, the silent treatment, and blaming me for any conflict at all. I’m not saying I was perfect—I had CPTSD and complex grief as I was essentially (unwittingly) bargaining by dating too soon after losing my husband. Now, respectfully, I know now that everything is energy—I was in lower vibrational states of grief and depression. His baseline of apathy and anger were what led to an energetic match. The reality, too, is that he suffered entitlement, part of his patriarchal conditioning. I know this because only an entitled person would disregard the feelings and trauma of a person who is suffering—my feelings were never a variable in the relationship, which ultimately served me well when he projected himself onto me when he sent his flying monkeys after me when we broke up—this enabled me (and continues to enable me) recognize when people associated with him or who are still in mindsets like his approach me.
But the reality is that this is a historic pattern of attempted male dominance over women. Men will drive a woman crazy, tell others that she’s crazy, and use those who foolishly believe them to uphold that false narrative, which can lead to commitment. Thankfully now a man or any other person cannot have someone committed against their consent—not without a court order, though, bet there are plenty of people who would endeavor to so do. And who does this? It’s not all men—not by a long shot. There are plenty of men out there who respect the humanity and autonomy of the partner they chose. It’s not about control or dominance—it’s about genuine connection, which is what I had with my late husband, Sean. But the bargaining relationship I got into with ugh was a totally different ballgame.
I recently documented a situation where I was going to New Orleans within the first couple of months of getting involved with ugh. He wasn’t my husband. He essentially called me his “girlfriend”, which in his head made it so (PS: sorry not sorry, but I refuse to use the world “girlfriend”—I am 43. I’m a widow, and I’m not in high school nor did I peak in high school, so hard pass. I’ll add that I’ve observed the linguistic usages of emotionally immature people versus those who are more evolved, and while it’s not an all-or-nothing case, more often than not, those who are like ugh tend to use “girl” instead of “women”; they also tend to describe genders as “male” and “female” more and seem to want to uphold traditional gender roles even though…we are all born as souls. Our bodies are assigned genders, but we ultimately should embody both masculine and feminine dualities within our selves. It’s called balance for a reason, but I digress.).
But I went along with it. I did so because I was in a low vibrational state, and yes, at the time, the positive attention was providing the uplifting chemical responses that helped me not sink into such a despair that I took my own life because—bet, I wanted to. However, I ultimately chose to live because I love my children, and I knew I had to figure out a way through for their sake. But if not for them, I would not be here. I drew from a nearly-empty well of resolve to get better, so I could be the mother that I knew Sean and I both knew they deserved, and so I could become the woman Sean believed in, the fearless warrior woman who stood by his side and who sacrificed everything she had to to help him fight the cancer that stole his life.
On that trip, ugh called while I was driving and essentially cussed me out for attempting to go out of town without him. Underpinning this abusive behavior was an insecure man-child who had to maintain control of me and every aspect of his existence in order to feel “safe”. He further showed negative aspects of himself by asserting that respect is garnered through fear, also part of the patriarchal conditioning. I, of course, disagreed, and ignored him entirely, but I did have a lot to learn about parenting. I read a multitude of books to learn how to be a better mother. When I told him his parent’s archaic way of parenting had been debunked, he asked if I thought I turned out okay. I burst out, “Oh, God no!”
I was anorexic at 17 dropping down to 105 pounds by the time I graduated high school. I was bulimic until shortly before my 25th birthday. Clearly something had gone horribly awry, and I had to figure out what the root of the situation was in order to do better for my children. It was, I realized, a combination of emotional avoidance and enmeshment within my household. Again—all behaviors that are byproducts of a patriarchal system. The abandonment and blame on women for being the cause of all male ails is the reason people are leaving their marriages. It’s the reason Paris Paloma’s song “Labour” hits like a ton of on-point-as-fuck bricks.
It’s highly likely that ugh was doing what many men who “can’t control their women” (please read that in a mocking tone) do, which is garner sympathy for his self-imposed victimization by telling others that “she’s crazy” and “I’m just concerned about her”. No—he wasn’t. Again, he never even got to know who I was and was verbally, emotionally, and psychologically abusive without a modicum of accountability for the duration of our near-half-decade relationship. And trust me—I have not spoken to a single women who is in an emotionally abusive relationship with an emotionally immature (read: narcissistic) entitled man who who isn’t a textbook replication of ugh. This thus supports the reality that these are not “bad people”, but they are systemically programmed to not take accountability, to project outward, and to lack internalization. I do have sympathy, however, I refuse to be responsible for, to make excuses for, or to shoulder the burden of anyone who behaves this way.
When I read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Adults, I realized I was making the same excuses for ugh that I had as a child for my emotionally avoidant dad—who I do genuinely love and who was not like ugh other than the avoidant aspect that kept him disconnected from self-loving emotions that would have enabled him to be more interested in mine, which I couldn’t hide or keep under control. (PS: the reason your kid’s or partner’s big emotions are triggering to you is because there’s a wounded inner child inside of you who never got to express those feelings, and it breeds both anxiety and resentment. I assure you—I had to realize that as a parent and learn to make space for my own children’s emotions and allow them to feel and express their feelings while I also learned to do the same for myself. None of this shit is easy, but once you understand it, you’re able to do better if you choose to.)
I remember standing in my kitchen and realizing that if I can learn to take accountability and mature emotionally—yes, I recognized former versions of myself in that book as well as a few behaviors that I still had to amend, then why couldn’t ugh? The reality was that he didn’t want to. Ugh didn’t have to be the way he was—he could have done the work with me, opened up and matured with me, and he could’ve had an incredibly happy, high-functioning and successful relationship. Instead, he chose to remain a byproduct of a dying, dysfunctional, and outmoded system. So, when he threw a bitch-fit when I asked about the trajectory of our then 4.5-year-long relationship rather than being nice at all, I let him leave. I changed the locks, and I was finally free of the abuse.
Here come the flying monkeys
I was subsequently stalked by flying monkeys who tried to terrorize me. I was chased by trucks, approached by creeps in public, and manipulated online. They foolishly thought that I was looking for a man. I wasn’t. Being open to love is a very different mind and heart set than the pick-me energy that was projected onto me. Further—I never asked ugh to propose. In 2023 when he suggested that the first piece of jewelry he was ever going to get me was an engagement ring, I was honestly not sure if I actually wanted to get married again…and certainly not to ugh.
He’d already physically assaulted me and never apologized for it in 2023, and the way he yelled and lost his shit every time we talked on the phone when I took a trip to Topanga to meet Tara Schuster, the author whose book Buy Yourself the F—king Lilies effectively saved my life in 2019 when it gave me my first toolkit for really healing and that gave me permission to feel my hurt feelings when I was surrounded by a bunch of “get over its” and “you’ve changed” people—people who didn’t fucking get it, who didn’t get how broken and fucked up suddenly losing your spouse makes you, so why the fuck would I want to marry someone like that? Still—he’d been a lot nicer even though he never got the therapy he said he would when I told him on the flight back that I was done unless he got anger management therapy (actions have to align with words—if not, run). That said, I believe in earnest that’s when his smear campaign against me really started. One of his mates from a running group he used to be in a long time ago started following me on Instagram, which I thought was odd. I would later meet this person in the fall of 2023. Their name would appear later when I Google searched a phone number in direct correlation with the stalking that started as soon as I was out of my relationship with ugh.
I believe—and this is speculation, the motive was two-fold or one of two things—create adverse circumstances so disturbing—essentially scare me—into getting back together with ugh (when I realized his involvement, one of my friends said, “Yeah, I kind of suspected it was him.”) or traumatize me so much that I ended up in a psych ward or that I take my own life, and this is—Google it if you don’t believe me—the primary motive behind group stalking. It is a form of systemic abuse that is highly illegal (creating fake profiles to keep tabs on people is illegal as well) that punishes strong and independent women for speaking out and not being capable of being systemically controlled.
I have talked to others who have been subjected to this kind of stalking behavior, and they’re all single women who didn’t stay with a controlling, sociopathic abuser.
This gets into the dark triad of psychology because a normal avoidant individual doesn’t try to punish someone who leaves—they just grieve the relationship and move on with life. Entitled individuals who believe they have the fucking right to engage this behavior are part of a much darker system.
A cabal of stalkers—they walk and work among us
I was recently exposed to what’s on Instagram was referred to as the “secret society Stasi star chamber”, which is explained in the screenshots below.
Though allegedly the secret German police organization called “The Stasi” ended in 1990, I am of the belief that it’s part of the larger cabal of elites that dominates in dictatorships. I believe groups or factions of groups that want to uphold the current system are still highly active. I am fully aware of predatory behavior toward children as well as partner swapping being practiced by people who do engage behaviors like using online profiles, false names, and cyber monitoring. I know this is a reality because I experienced. On Substack in 2025, I had a person try to recruit me into a Satanic cult, which I declined because I am not a cultist of any kind. Further, in addition to admitting to being harmful to children and to a really bizarre partner-swapping story (which—do what you do, but hard pass for me), the person who tried to recruit me was frequently insistent that they had a right to have control over me. I understand that people feel they need to be part of something, however, hierarchies that do not encourage equality and healthy interdependence rather than codependency have been proven to be ineffective.
I am fully aware, too, that over the past two years in particular, people have appeared in my life with stories and reasons—alleging they’ve known me in the past or that we met in the past when I have no recollection of meeting these individuals. I had one person try to reach out to me on Facebook in either the fall of 2025 or the winter of 2026 alleging to be a former student in a class at a time when I was no longer teaching. Like a lot of people who reach out online, their discourse was sexually inappropriate, manipulative, goading, which merited blocking them.
Listen, I don’t care what people want to believe in, but covert monitoring is predatory. Gathering information about a person and weaponizing it for access is manipulative—and it’s illegal. Attempting to control or coerce is also not a healthy way of engaging others in discourse. Not respecting someone’s “no” is controlling and entitled.
Here’s the dangerous part—I absolutely believe that groups like this are the ones who targeted people who told the truth about the abuse in the Epstein files. We know that Virginia Guiffre and others who spoke out—including Savannah Guthrie who interviewed six of the survivors—have been targeted, threatened, and harassed. The aim is the same aim as is with an abusive spouse with a wife they cannot control or break spiritually—it’s to drive them crazy so that they end up in a psych ward or they ultimately decide to end their own lives.
I know this was partially a goal in the situation with ugh. Whether or not it was he who did it or someone who used my awareness that it was his mates who were harassing me to do so, I know that there was a QR code in my phone, which I got after he and I broke up, that would allow him access to my digital data in the event of my death. Obviously, I documented and deleted it.
I was asked again in 2026 to join the Satanic cult, which I once again said “no” to. I had seen enough especially with the release of the Epstein files to know that the constant push for access had less to do with communal living ands more to do with gaining access for reasons that remain unclear. However, I know that single mothers and people who seem to be alone and vulnerable are more often than not targets of groups like this.
The thing is—it’s not presented as having ulterior motives. Typically people arrive offering help, which is why I used every attempt at closeness as an opportunity to plug holes in my armor. I just worked on whatever it was that seemed like a vulnerability. I also clocked people’s interest in my children—after the release of the Epstein files, this makes me uncomfortable because I did read Guiffre’s memoir. I know how predators work. This is why predators are easily hiding in plain sight—in churches, in schools, in family systems, etc. Access means familiarity. Familiarity means trust. When a child sees a parent trusting another adult, they presume that trust applies to them. It does not.
I have so many friends who were abused as children. It’s sick, and it’s rampant. I know from what I’ve read that those in the Epstein cult genuinely believe that they gain power from consuming others, which they do literally. But energetically, they do it as well. They gain “power” in the form of any kind of attention or reaction, which is why I learned to heal triggers, so I could remain unbothered and unresponsive to these predators.
Decentralizing love & protecting my energy—how I handled it
I determined to not have a revolving door of men in my life like so many women before me. This is another reason that patriarchal programming is dangerous. It conditions women to seek the affection and attention of men who withhold it to make women do all of the work. It treats women and children like objects, when in fact we incarnate as fully formed souls with equal and inalienable rights. I treat my children with all of the respect and value and priority as I do any other adult. I had to break down all of the past conditioning to do so, but I did it.
The other thing is within the cult, it is a practice to “tell on yourself” with some kind of subtle behavior before inflicting harm. This is why when someone insults you, you shut them down. No—you cannot take a joke. And I say, too, be careful about the content you consume now. Our subconscious doesn’t filter like our conscious does. What’s more, I have recently seen multiple false claims about things that people should or should not do. I read that the internet is mostly bots now, and I believe it. I will sometimes check out and coast Instagram. There are a lot of tarot readers out there right now, but I bypass the ones that do “love readings” because they typically are suggesting “the person that left is something back” or “a new love is entering your life” and I feel that while it’s fine to want to meet someone, I believe that AI profiles—deepfakes—can also perpetuate false hope, which lowers the vibration. That’s why I have chosen to become the love I once sought out elsewhere.
That’s also why I worked to heal inner child wounds. Those vulnerabilities become access points to this predatory system, which still has a lot of support. But I digress—the reason I had to know I was done with ugh when we broke up and why I haven’t gotten into another relationship is because I have so many friends who were traumatized by their mother having a revolving door of men. My kids have been through enough, so absolutely not.
Also, and this isn’t ego—this is knowing my value—after settling for less, after having my attention consumed by the manchild ugh for way too long, attention that the actual children deserved (I regret that and amend it by not making the same mistake twice), I am never going to settle for a partner who isn’t my match. I committed to standing on business in my life so that I could become impenetrable to someone who isn’t vibrating at my frequency.
I also started to pay attention to what people I admire and respect are doing. They’re minding their business. They’re focusing on their artistic endeavors. They’re staying in their lane. They’re not running around trying to get attention from others. They’re not doom scrolling. They’re not seeking what isn’t arriving in their life. You manifest what you want by putting the desire out there with gratitude because on another timeline, you already have it, and then you focus on what’s in front of you.
I know all of the things that happened to me did so to protect me and to teach me, and it did. I did nearly go crazy—symptoms of group stalking and cyber abuse mirror those of schizophrenia. I had a proper nervous breakdown on April 6 after deleting my Facebook account for the second time—this time because I wanted to protect my attention, not out of fear like I did in 2025 when a woman I knew told me there was a group of 70,000 men online who “hate women” and harass them, to commit myself to things that were of value to me. When I went to the ER, they did put me in a psych ward, and I did ultimately consent to letting them give me an antipsychotic injection that would last 30 days only because the alternative was to go to an inpatient facility in Daphne. However, I am not crazy. I am a stalking survivor, and I am an advocate for telling the truth.
The best advice I can give is to protect your energy. And by that I mean know that you are the master of your mind. You control your thoughts. Your thoughts are a conduit for your emotions—emotions are energy in motion, and while that can help us know what our truest feelings are, you must master your thoughts and your mind so you’re not ruled by your emotions. Your thoughts are powerful manifestations. If you’re in a vibration of fear and are ruled by fear be it fear of hurtful things from your past occurring again or fear of your lack or fear of exposure, then you will attract what you fear, but if you have faith—faith that good things are meant for you, faith that you will attract the abundance you desire, faith that you are worthy of the highest form of unconditional love, then you will attract it into your life.
When I left the hospital, I fully dialed in this reality—the people who targeted me wanted to control me, to gain access. I can’t make them do the right thing and turn in the highly illegal actions that have been taken against me that clearly had no concern for the negative impacts the behavior was having on me psychologically. Fine. But I can control my attention. I can decide who gets my attention and who and what doesn’t. I control my attention and my energy. Attention is energy. Energy is power. Access is my choice, and nobody can take that from me. I spent three days meditating in the psych ward—mastering my thoughts and regulating my emotions, meditating, mastering fear at having to take a medication—which I do not take, and manifesting the desired outcome for the medication—I would receive only that which was beneficial and all other aspects of the medicine would be discarded. I felt no effects other than I was able to get some decent sleep in the ward. I had no effects when I left. I have been fine ever since because I finally learned how to truly protect my energy.
If you’re a parent—especially a single parent, know that you can handle anything. When you’re in alignment, things work out. When you’re internally regulated, life flows smoothly. When you’re protecting your energy and keeping your head down, when you are the love you seek and desire, you create an energetic boundary that is only permeable if you allow it to be. I cannot reinforce what Foxy told me enough—protect your energy. Protect your energy at all costs.
And be unafraid of the ways that covert systems and groups and individuals may attempt to target you or coerce you because the world is changing, and it’s changing for the better—I know that. This is just revelation and deconstruction of a system that was built on a web of lies, that offset the balance of the divine masculine and feminine among cultures, but it’s already over. This is just the part where what was falls apart—a narcissistic collapse if you will, and trust that this, too, shall pass. Nothing lasts forever. Be the change and transformation that you wish to embrace by visualizing it.
(Note—I will be learning more about this kind of thing, which is far more common than people realize—on July 5, the book Click. Stalk. Destroy. Inside the minds of online stalkers and their victims by Dr. Jessica Taylor drops, and I will be listening to it and reporting what I find because only by shining the light into the shadows where predators lurk can we expose them and hold them accountable as it has been made abundantly clear that actors of this persuasion will not ever step up and hold themselves accountable.)